“You’re going to what?” she asked accentuating each word.

Her look clearly said she thought I was crazy.

“Don’t you realize that you were lucky when you adopted the first time?”

Ah, there it was. The flaw in the reasoning.

I remember trying to explain to my friend

that I hadn’t been lucky; but led.

Yes, led by God. The outcome was not on my shoulders.

Have you ever experienced a time in your life

when you knew what you needed to do

all the while realizing that few if anyone would understand?

But sometimes God’s call leads us down paths that others would never choose.

Sometimes He beckons us to simply follow Him

trusting

obeying.

That was the beginning of my adoption process for my youngest.

Beginning in 2000 I filled out the huge pile of papers

spun the globe again and listened in the stillness.

Adoptions in Russia by then involved two trips

so I went to Ukraine in 2001.

Looking

listening

visting orphanages

until one day I saw a little two year old girl.

She sat on the floor of the orphanage playing with some toys.

After consulting with the orphanage director and facilitator

I agreed to move ahead with the adoption.

Off to the stores I was taken to buy clothes in her size and things to bring her home.

I was on top of the world!

I’ll never forget that day as I shopped in the market

choosing the cutest outfits

and a pair of little pink shoes.

All I could think of was how excited Noelle, my oldest who was 8 at the time,

would be.

That night no matter how hard I tried I could not sleep.

Thank you, God, for this precious child.

But the next day everything changed.

I rode to the orphanage happily talking to the facilitator

never thinking that there might be a problem.

Never.

We parked the car in front of the orphanage and he went in.

Minutes passed.

30 minutes later I was still waiting for him to return.

Something inside me

told me that something was wrong.

Then I saw him walking down the steps and towards the car

shoulders sagging

eyes down.

He opened the door and sat beside me.

“You can’t go in,” he informed me.

“You cannot adopt her.”

Heart stopping moment.

“Is there nothing we can do?” I questioned. “Nothing?”

My heart twisted with pain.

“No. Nothing.” The finality stung sharply.

At that moment

it seemed my world stopped turning.

None of it made sense.

Today looking back I understand better.

I hadn’t yet met Jenny.

God’s Ways are not our ways.

He continues to shape us and mold our hearts

to teach us what love really is.

Trust Me, He kept whispering.

Maybe you are at that place in your life right now.

Trust Me, He says. Just trust Me.

Let go of your worry

let go of your fears

release those endless ‘whys’

and wait to  hear the next step.

Your God of love will never fail you.

Never.